Your Life, but Cooler Read online

  You look at each of your BFFs and shake your head. “Jeez, drama queens. It’s not that serious. We’re just talking about the choir.”

  “Pfft,” Mary grunts. “The choir auditions? Please. That’s so lame.”

  “Superlame,” Holly agrees. “All those people sitting there and judging you? No thanks.” They turn in unison to face the front of the class.

  “Don’t listen to them,” Jessie whispers to you. “They think everything is lame.”

  This is true. But they also kind of have a point. You don’t mind singing in the shower, but up on a big stage, with a bunch of people staring at you? Um…that you’ll have to think about. Not that you have time to do that, of course. Already your homeroom teacher, Ms. Campbell (nickname: Mm-mm Soup), is walking in and sighing as she drops her bags on her oversize desk.

  “All right, kids,” she begins, clapping her hands several times to get everyone to quiet down. “I suppose you all know about the choir auditions taking place this afternoon. Please be advised that this should not take away from your class time today. This is not High School Musical. There will be no singing in the cafeteria, and certainly no dancing in the streets, understood?” Everyone giggles and looks around at one another, which only frustrates poor Ms. Campbell even more. “But for those of you who want to audition or sign up to be student judges, the sign-up sheets are posted in the hallway outside. They will be there right up until auditions begin, but you have exactly fifteen minutes right now to go and sign your names. Anyone not back here before the bell rings will get detention. Understood?” (She always checks to make sure you understand, just in case you have suddenly forgotten how to speak English.)

  But you all know the routine when it comes to her. “Yeees, Mssss. Caaaampbellll,” you all recite slowly.

  She gives a quick nod and sits down behind the desk, opening her newspaper and taking a sip of her coffee. “Fine. You may go.”

  The sentence is barely out of her mouth when kids start scrambling for the door. But your butt is still firmly planted in your seat, and Jessie is practically staring a hole into your head. If you go sign your name, there’s a good possibility that you’ll make a total fool of yourself in front of everybody. But if you don’t, you’ll be letting Jessie down, not to mention ruining her plan to put a halt to the popular kids’ hold on everything. Hello, Rock. Meet Hard Place.

  Finally, a little excitement has found its way into your humdrum school year! Jimmy has his big art debut today and the choir auditions have infected everyone with singing fever. If your school wins the all-state competition, the choir will get to perform at THE Carnegie Hall in New York City! Not to mention that according to only barely reliable sources (Amy Choi), the producers of Glee will be there looking for extras for the show. On top of that, you and your friends have an ingenious plan to shake up the social hierarchy of the whole school! Only, you don’t seem too willing to do your part. Sure, you could live out your rock-star fantasy and audition—but you could also sit this one out, or at least stick to the judges’ table, where it’s safe. (Better to judge than be judged, right?) Either way, you’ve got to decide quickly because homeroom is almost over. It’s the moment of truth.

  So what’s it gonna be? Still not sure? Maybe the following quiz will help you figure it out.

  QUIZ TIME!

  Circle your answers and tally up the points at the end.

  In the horror movie you’re watching with your friends, the main character, Shelly, is house-sitting for a neighbor. She is watching TV in the living room when she hears a loud thud upstairs. If you were Shelly, you would:

  grab a bat and go upstairs to investigate. After all, it’s your job to protect the house against burglars, monsters, or whatever is up there!

  do your best to remain calm while you call the police and ask them to come check it out. Maybe it’s nothing, but you’ll let the professionals find out for sure.

  run out of there ASAP and call the cops from your place. Oprah Winfrey couldn’t pay you enough to stay in that house a second longer than you have to.

  crawl into the nearest closet and curl up into a fetal position. Yes, calling the cops would be a great idea…if only you weren’t too petrified to move.

  You’re on vacation in Hawaii and everyone in your tour group is taking turns jumping from a pretty high cliff into the waters below. When your turn comes, you:

  take a running leap off the cliff, shouting “Cowabunga!” as you go into a graceful swan dive. Nothing beats that rush of adrenaline as you go sailing through the air.

  are a little nervous. (For some reason the water looks like it’s getting farther and farther away the longer you stand there.) But you manage to screw up your courage and cannonball yourself into the water.

  practically hyperventilate your way into unconsciousness. Have your fellow travelers not noticed how ridiculously high this cliff is? You opt to find a much lower ledge so you can slip into the water without having a major heart attack.

  pretend you don’t know how to swim. No way are you jumping from that height! Besides, there could be sharks in the water. You’ll stay on land, where it’s safe, thanks.

  You’re on your school’s blog, reading a review of your favorite show. The reviewer hates it, and so do all the kids who left comments in the forum. Someone has to be the brave soul who defends what is quite possibly the best show in the history of the world. So you:

  write up a brilliant defense of the show and sign your real name. You love the show and you don’t care who knows it!

  defend your show, but sign it with your initials. Your friends will know it’s you, but you’ll still be anonymous to the rest of the kids.

  halfheartedly explain why everyone should give the show a chance, and then use a pseudonym. Someone you know might read what you wrote, and there’s no need to make yourself a target for ridicule.

  keep quiet and hope that someone else eventually agrees with you. If no one does, you’ll have to make a mental note to keep your love for the show top secret.

  It’s the last day of school and the boy you have a crush on is about to leave the building. If you don’t do something now, you won’t see him all summer. So naturally you:

  walk right up to him and tell him that you’d really like to hang out sometime. You even come up with a plan for the following week.

  catch up to him and tell him you hope he has a great summer, then make sure he knows that you’ll be home all summer too. Maybe if you hint around enough, he’ll ask you to do something with him.

  blurt out, “Bye, have a great summer!” as you fly past him in the hall. Hey, you’re amazed you got that much out!

  avoid him at all costs. If you make eye contact, he might think you like him. (The horror!)

  You just got your grades for the semester and, well…let’s just say you aren’t going to be hanging this report card on the refrigerator. Your parents are going to hit the roof when they see it. What do you do?

  Show it to them right away and prepare for the worst. They have to sign it anyway, so you might as well get it over with and take your lumps now.

  Make them a great dinner, clean your room, take out the garbage, and make them a card telling them how much you love them…and then show them your report card. They couldn’t possibly get mad while eating your world-famous mac and cheese, right?

  Right before you leave for school the next day, you put the report card on the kitchen table, where they’re sure to see it, with a note asking them to sign it. You’re pretty sure they’ll cool off by the time you get home. But you definitely don’t want to be around when they first read it!

  Try your hardest to get your dog to eat your report card. Anything beats having to show it to your folks!

  Give yourself 1 point for every time you answered A, 2 points for every B, 3 points for every C, and 4 points for every D.

  —If you scored between 5 and 12, go to Chapter 3.

  —If you scored between 13 and 20, go to Chapter 2.
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br />   Life can be pretty scary. And no one seems to know that better than you. When a dangerous situation pops up—whether it’s a bad report card or a burglar creeping around the house—your first instinct is to run away. The good news is, in some cases, running away is absolutely the right response. (The police force exists for a reason!) But sometimes the only way to overcome a fear is by facing it head on. Once you do, you might find life to be a little less scary and a lot more fun.

  You don’t quite remember walking out of the classroom, but you must have. Some time after you told Jessie you guessed you could sing “You Belong with Me” by Taylor Swift, you must have made your way down the hall and through the crowd. Then you must have picked up the pen that was dangling on the end of a string next to the sign-up sheet, because here you are!

  You’re gripping the pen between your now-sweaty fingers, barely hearing the shouts of “Get a move on already!” and “Are you going to take all day or what?” Jessie, meanwhile, is patting your back and telling you to ignore them. “Go ahead, do it!” she urges. And you want to—you think. So you inch closer, put your pen on the paper, and…let the pen go back to swinging on a string.

  Jessie stares in stunned silence before asking, “Ummm, did you sign your name in invisible ink or did you just chicken out?”

  “What?” you cry indignantly as you move to the edge of the crowd. “I did not chicken out. I just…uh…well, I don’t want people to think I’m conceited.”

  Lena, who followed you out into the hall, is now standing beside you with a puzzled look on her face. “Why would anyone think you’re conceited?”

  “Aw, come on, guys. First I think I can be a model, and now I want to be the main attraction in the choir too?”

  Okay, that part is not a total lie. Over the summer you were approached in the middle of the mall by a major model scout, and word of your shot at fame did make its way around school. But that isn’t really why you backed out of the choir audition. The truth is, the thought of singing in front of all those people has you scared silly. It’s easy to sit at home watching American Idol and say that you would have done way better than those contestants. But if you really had to go up there in front of Randy, Kara, Ellen, and worst of all, Simon—not to mention the entire TV-viewing world—you doubt you’d be able to get out even one note.

  Sometimes you wish Jessie and Lena didn’t know you quite so well, because they can see the truth written all over your face. And you can see disappointment written all over theirs.

  “Are you sure?” Jessie asks hopefully. “You’re really good. You could be the next Rihanna, the next Miley, the next—”

  “I’m sure!” you cut in. Who knows how long Jessie would have gone on with the list of pop princesses?

  Jessie sighs and you can see her body deflate a little, like a balloon. “I guess that’s that.” But then the twinkle in her eye comes back as she glances over at Lena. “Unless…”

  “Forget it, blondie,” Lena snaps, reading Jessie’s mind. “I already told you: I can’t audition because of journalistic principle.” Well, there’s that, and the fact that even when she sings “Happy Birthday” people beg her to stop.

  “Fine,” Jessie says, a note of determination entering her voice. “Someone has to represent our tribe of misfits. So I guess it’s going to be me!”

  Before you even have time to react, Jessie pushes her way past Jasmine Viera, Kevin Minks, and Lizette Tores (all of whom are signing up to audition), and signs her name in giant curly letters. As she comes back through the crowd, you can see her chest swell with pride and a huge smile spread over her face. She looks so excited; it kind of makes you wish you had had the guts to go for it too. But since you didn’t, supporting Jessie is the next best thing.

  “Awesome!” you yell, hugging her with all your might. “I’m so proud of you!”

  “Me too,” Lena says. “This will be a great twist for the blog. I’ve gotta go tell Charlie!”

  As Lena heads back into the classroom to find her blog partner, you continue to congratulate Jessie.

  “This is really cool, Jess. I’m glad the plan wasn’t ruined because of me. Superfashionista to the rescue!”

  Jessie laughs, plants her fists on her hips, and spreads her legs in a V, in a Wonder Woman stance. “That’s me: saving the world one fabulicious song at a time.”

  You giggle happily. “So, what are you going to sing anyway?”

  Jessie’s superhero persona falters for a second and she turns back into the eighth grader you know and love. “Oh, umm…I hadn’t really thought about that.” After staring at the ceiling for a few moments while drumming her fingers against her chin, she says, “Hey! I’ll just sing the song you were going to sing before you…uh…”

  “Chickened out?” you offer, a touch of shame in your voice.

  Jessie holds her hands up in the air as if to say, Don’t shoot! “I didn’t say that,” she pleads.

  You shrug miserably. “It’s okay. You can say it. I guess that’s what I did.”

  Jessie reaches out and gently squeezes your shoulder. “Listen, if it makes you feel any better, you would have been no match for my super hot vocal stylings anyway.”

  Her voice is serious and sympathetic, but you know she’s kidding just to make you smile, which works, of course.

  “Oh, is that so, you wannabe Britney Spears?” You playfully shove Jessie’s left shoulder.

  She gasps as if she’s shocked by your moxie. “Yeah, that’s so!” She shoves you back, both of you giggling now.

  “All right,” you say, “then let’s hear a sample, shall we? Blow me away.”

  Jessie looks around self-consciously. “What, right here? Now?”

  “Why not? You’re going to have to do it later anyway. You might as well get used to an audience of one first. Besides, those guys aren’t paying us any attention,” you point out, nodding at the crowd still swarming around the sign-up sheets, shouting for their turn with the pen. Lena must be rubbing off on you, because that was downright logical.

  Unable to argue with the truth, Jessie shrugs, turns on her megawatt smile, and says, “All right. Prepare to be blown away.” She clears her throat and starts belting out the chorus of “You Belong with Me.”

  But when the lyrics start coming out of her mouth, you can’t tell if she’s still joking or not. You really hope so, because it’s awful! Beyond awful! Jessie is really giving Mark Bukowski a run for his money in the bad singing department. She’s having trouble hitting those high notes, so instead of singing them she’s screaming them, making you wish you had a set of earplugs on you. Good thing she has her eyes closed the whole time, so she can’t see the horrified look on your face.

  When she finally stops, you scramble to set your expression back to neutral.

  “So? What did you think?” she asks breathlessly. “Pretty great, right?”

  Haven’t fifteen minutes gone by yet? Where on earth is the end-of-homeroom bell when you need it?

  There’s good news and there’s bad news. Let’s cover the bad news first, to get it out of the way. You can call it what you want, but the truth is, you chickened out of the audition. So say good-bye to singing in Carnegie Hall (or on Glee). Plus, you won’t be doing your part to make sure the popular kids don’t dominate the choir like they rule everything else. The good news is, your buddy Jessie has agreed to pick up your slack and go for a solo. Hooray! Oh, but wait…there’s more bad news! What Jessie calls singing sounds a lot more like screeching. Had it been an American Idol audition, Simon Cowell would have said something crushing and sent her packing. But you can’t tell Jessie that, can you? Take the quiz to see if you’re willing to deliver the awful truth.

  QUIZ TIME!

  Circle your answers and tally up the points at the end.

  It’s the first day of school after summer vacation. Everybody is talking about all the cool places they went over the summer. But the farthest you got was your aunt Edna’s, where you helped clean out all th
e junk in her closets for a garage sale. So not cool. When someone asks you what you did all summer, you say:

  “I had to hang out at my aunt’s house and help with the garage sale. Pretty lame, right?” No use lying. If someone from school saw you manning your aunt’s old boot collection, they’d be sure to expose you. Then you’d be twice as embarrassed! And if you acknowledge the lameness first, you beat everybody else to the punch.

  “Nothing as cool as what you did. Tell me more about your trip to Disney World….” Rather than reveal the sad truth, you just change the subject. No one can give you grief about your so-called summer vacation if they’re too busy telling you about theirs.

  “I spent the summer learning about antiques, sales, and dealing with the public from a prominent member of the community. Since I want to be a businessperson someday, I figured I should start learning now!” Hey, that’s kinda true—if you think of your aunt’s Frisbee collection as “antique.”

  “I spent the summer at the NASA space camp in Alabama, learning how to walk in zero gravity.” Okay, maybe you didn’t, but who’s gonna know? Besides, you did watch that movie Apollo 13 on TV. Close enough.

  Your mom has put on a little weight lately, so she’s going shopping to buy some new pants. She takes you along because she values your opinion. When she tries on the first pair, she asks if you think they make her look fat. Your answer?